Some progress!

Its taken me a shamefully long amount of time to get this far on this. But its coming along and I've learned a lot of things just from working on these three panels. One. To save time I should use the overlay layer feature. A Lot. Two, try to work in as few layers as possible because SAI hates the size I'm working in. Three, find a way to make panels faster. Shit.

So this is the opening scene of Chapter 1. The city of Sharkshallow, bathed in sunlight. The panels zoom in on the clock tower overlooking the bay and the lighthouse. And the next panel leads inside with the orange sunset light beaming in through the window across the clocks.

I feel like maybe there is innate knowledge inside me telling me where to go or what to do. I just need to work more and work harder to access it. I regret to say that I still have not worked on Frolic that much and I intend to rectify that soon. I've got the most up to date version right here:

It's coming a long as well. But I need to add more life to the buildings below. Perhaps some people and carts on the trail. Definitely some smoke from the houses and I need to make sure I don't forget the birds. I've learned so much doing both of these respective pieces that I feel like they are transforming me. I just need to work harder. Soon I won't have nearly as much time for this and I'm sure I will miss it.

I also did this commission for a kind person on Furaffinity who was one of the many that helped me through a difficult situation with my mom's car. I hope to get this and other's wrapped up soon. I've got a long list of stuff to do before I can relax. But overall I am happy that I've made it this far with my work. I saw my ex boyfriend the other day and he commented that I'd improved dramatically since I'd left him. That boosted my confidence a little. But I'm increasingly realizing that maybe all of these ideas and juice I'm getting really isn't coming from me, but my 'muse'.

Thank you, Pressfield.

This is Significant.

How long I have been putting this off I'd rather not say... but I will confess that it was this very same tendency to put off the arduous process of overcoming my inner performance anxiety that killed the last comic I had great ambitions for: Oriental Misadventures.

But the fact that I say myself down tonight and hammered out even JUST the base sketch of the first page of the actual chapter... that WORKS as a composition... I cannot help but feel at least a little relieved. It seems that what Pressfield was going on about muses is true, for a lot of the stuff in this page came from a place I didn't know existed in me.

Perhaps, as I go on, I'll get better at listening to them.

Right now I'm a bit let down to report how hard this was to do. I kept wanting to put it off and work on something else or stop and watch a movie. But I didn't. I worked for three hours making a grid and sketching this page. Hopefully it gets easier from here on out, because if I want to keep up any kind of schedule I need to work a bit faster... Hooray for me, I beat resistance for once... I'll do it again tomorrow.

Hipster Mind Flayer.

Even though I love this one I've not been arsed to post it anywhere. It was done during my vacation to see Natalie and the commissioner liked it very much. Its a great picture. But I can't put my finger on exactly why I just haven't put it in any of my galleries.

Maybe I just don't need to. I got acrylic nails while out with Nat btw, makes it hard as HELL to type. How the fuck am I supposed to RP with these? LOL. Oh well, I've been managing somewhat. My nails make a neat sound when they click against the keyboard.

I'll post this eventually I suppose, but for right now I'll just leave it right here. Its a nice place to leave it and I should focus less on the attention and more on the art anyway. I bought "The War of Art" by Steven Pressfield... Its a great book, anyone who struggles with creativity should read it. Srsly. Its like, changing my life. I hope it lasts....

My next post is relevant to this thought.

More Progress.

Some more progress on it. Its slow but its getting there 83.

Painting painting lalala!

I've been busy busy! Finally some inspiration!

It's going to take awhile, but this is a remake of an older picture. Frolic, the one with Bella and Xolasky back when he was a thing that should not be that made no sense because illithids are inhuman but we loved it anyway.... 

This one. I uploaded this on May of 2009, SO proud of myself that I'd been able to make it. Now that I've grown a bit as an artist, I want to push myself hard and produce a picture I can be proud of once more.

Ah, looking at this makes me nostalgic <3.

Also, a dragon.

Hixnu: An unlikely Muse.

I love this picture. I had so much fun drawing it today. It was almost like old times. God I miss the old times. What I wouldn't do to just be able to be care free when I draw. To just not give a fuck and just do whats in my head. What is the secret to getting what's in your head down onto paper? Why is it so damn hard?

I realize that most of the limitations are self imposed. But the very fact that they are just makes it so much harder to get rid of them! I know I have the capability to apply myself and work... but shit every time I try there's this endlessly berating voice inside of me that eventually wears me down. Sometimes I defeat it and finish the picture and feel good about myself. But that is only one temporary victory and the enemy soon returns unscathed. Fuck.

How do I break this sort of cycle? How do I escape something like this? Because right now everyday is seeming like an uphill battle.

Anyway, this was a request from Natalie I did today. She's my muse, as usual. I draw her characters far more than I draw mine. I feel like it would be more healthy to have more connection with my own characters, perhaps it wouldn't hurt to focus on them for awhile.

Mrrr, I do love this picture, though.

FInally coming out of the block.

Ugh god I let my digital skills get so rusty. I really didn't mean to stop periodically updating my blog. But at least I managed to keep up my sketchbook and practice everyday. I need need neeeed to practice more than I have been, though.

Oh Kuru, at least you don't have to worry about these things.

But that's not the whole story I guess. The truth is that drawing and art and shit really haven't left my brain at all... its just that I suddenly feel like my ambition is fading... or something. Its very hard to explain? Last month I came to the conclusion that I wasn't going to pursue art school and become a professional. I let go of a goal that has driven me for the better part of ten years. Now that that is gone, though, its like I feel my drive to draw just... slipping. My confidence fading. I'm not sure what to make of it. Is this a temporary thing? Or is excluding art from my career turned my skill into some sort of withered vestigial limb; destined to fall off now that it has no real purpose? I do not want this to happen... but the older I get the more the reality of this seems to be sinking in. I've wasted a lot of time, and skill wise I feel that I am behind a lot of professionals my age....

I'm going to be 25 in May. I remember promising myself I would get better by now and I have... but not by nearly as much as I wanted to. I wanted to be able to use perspective reliably. To draw scenes, to color and do light realistically. I know I have the capacity to do these things, but do I have the willpower? I am of the self defeating bent, I have been a long time and its a habit I'm not sure how to shake. It gets very frustrating.

The whole point of this rant is I'm not sure what to do about it... I've told myself I'm going to apply to nursing school this fall, instead of art school. Nursing is something I think I'd be good at, but is it something I'd be passionate about? Is professional illustrating something I'd really be passionate about? Ugh, I'm feeling so pessimistic right now, I really shouldn't be analyzing my life.

What do I want to do, then? Do I want to pursue nursing for a guaranteed comfortable existence... Or do I bite the bullet and fully devote myself to what I've been doing for ten years and HOPE my art impresses somebody? I don't think I'm that creative... I get the most enjoyment from doing my own thing. But I don't see keeping it as my hobby when I'm going to be SO busy in nursing school... This block has resulted from letting go of something that has been part of my identity. But is it a healthy, realistic goal? Can I not find a balance between the two? Or is it only one or the other... I'm so fucking lost.