FInally coming out of the block.

Ugh god I let my digital skills get so rusty. I really didn't mean to stop periodically updating my blog. But at least I managed to keep up my sketchbook and practice everyday. I need need neeeed to practice more than I have been, though.

Oh Kuru, at least you don't have to worry about these things.

But that's not the whole story I guess. The truth is that drawing and art and shit really haven't left my brain at all... its just that I suddenly feel like my ambition is fading... or something. Its very hard to explain? Last month I came to the conclusion that I wasn't going to pursue art school and become a professional. I let go of a goal that has driven me for the better part of ten years. Now that that is gone, though, its like I feel my drive to draw just... slipping. My confidence fading. I'm not sure what to make of it. Is this a temporary thing? Or is excluding art from my career turned my skill into some sort of withered vestigial limb; destined to fall off now that it has no real purpose? I do not want this to happen... but the older I get the more the reality of this seems to be sinking in. I've wasted a lot of time, and skill wise I feel that I am behind a lot of professionals my age....

I'm going to be 25 in May. I remember promising myself I would get better by now and I have... but not by nearly as much as I wanted to. I wanted to be able to use perspective reliably. To draw scenes, to color and do light realistically. I know I have the capacity to do these things, but do I have the willpower? I am of the self defeating bent, I have been a long time and its a habit I'm not sure how to shake. It gets very frustrating.

The whole point of this rant is I'm not sure what to do about it... I've told myself I'm going to apply to nursing school this fall, instead of art school. Nursing is something I think I'd be good at, but is it something I'd be passionate about? Is professional illustrating something I'd really be passionate about? Ugh, I'm feeling so pessimistic right now, I really shouldn't be analyzing my life.

What do I want to do, then? Do I want to pursue nursing for a guaranteed comfortable existence... Or do I bite the bullet and fully devote myself to what I've been doing for ten years and HOPE my art impresses somebody? I don't think I'm that creative... I get the most enjoyment from doing my own thing. But I don't see keeping it as my hobby when I'm going to be SO busy in nursing school... This block has resulted from letting go of something that has been part of my identity. But is it a healthy, realistic goal? Can I not find a balance between the two? Or is it only one or the other... I'm so fucking lost.