More Progress.

Some more progress on it. Its slow but its getting there 83.

Painting painting lalala!

I've been busy busy! Finally some inspiration!

It's going to take awhile, but this is a remake of an older picture. Frolic, the one with Bella and Xolasky back when he was a thing that should not be that made no sense because illithids are inhuman but we loved it anyway.... 

This one. I uploaded this on May of 2009, SO proud of myself that I'd been able to make it. Now that I've grown a bit as an artist, I want to push myself hard and produce a picture I can be proud of once more.

Ah, looking at this makes me nostalgic <3.

Also, a dragon.

Hixnu: An unlikely Muse.

I love this picture. I had so much fun drawing it today. It was almost like old times. God I miss the old times. What I wouldn't do to just be able to be care free when I draw. To just not give a fuck and just do whats in my head. What is the secret to getting what's in your head down onto paper? Why is it so damn hard?

I realize that most of the limitations are self imposed. But the very fact that they are just makes it so much harder to get rid of them! I know I have the capability to apply myself and work... but shit every time I try there's this endlessly berating voice inside of me that eventually wears me down. Sometimes I defeat it and finish the picture and feel good about myself. But that is only one temporary victory and the enemy soon returns unscathed. Fuck.

How do I break this sort of cycle? How do I escape something like this? Because right now everyday is seeming like an uphill battle.

Anyway, this was a request from Natalie I did today. She's my muse, as usual. I draw her characters far more than I draw mine. I feel like it would be more healthy to have more connection with my own characters, perhaps it wouldn't hurt to focus on them for awhile.

Mrrr, I do love this picture, though.

FInally coming out of the block.

Ugh god I let my digital skills get so rusty. I really didn't mean to stop periodically updating my blog. But at least I managed to keep up my sketchbook and practice everyday. I need need neeeed to practice more than I have been, though.

Oh Kuru, at least you don't have to worry about these things.

But that's not the whole story I guess. The truth is that drawing and art and shit really haven't left my brain at all... its just that I suddenly feel like my ambition is fading... or something. Its very hard to explain? Last month I came to the conclusion that I wasn't going to pursue art school and become a professional. I let go of a goal that has driven me for the better part of ten years. Now that that is gone, though, its like I feel my drive to draw just... slipping. My confidence fading. I'm not sure what to make of it. Is this a temporary thing? Or is excluding art from my career turned my skill into some sort of withered vestigial limb; destined to fall off now that it has no real purpose? I do not want this to happen... but the older I get the more the reality of this seems to be sinking in. I've wasted a lot of time, and skill wise I feel that I am behind a lot of professionals my age....

I'm going to be 25 in May. I remember promising myself I would get better by now and I have... but not by nearly as much as I wanted to. I wanted to be able to use perspective reliably. To draw scenes, to color and do light realistically. I know I have the capacity to do these things, but do I have the willpower? I am of the self defeating bent, I have been a long time and its a habit I'm not sure how to shake. It gets very frustrating.

The whole point of this rant is I'm not sure what to do about it... I've told myself I'm going to apply to nursing school this fall, instead of art school. Nursing is something I think I'd be good at, but is it something I'd be passionate about? Is professional illustrating something I'd really be passionate about? Ugh, I'm feeling so pessimistic right now, I really shouldn't be analyzing my life.

What do I want to do, then? Do I want to pursue nursing for a guaranteed comfortable existence... Or do I bite the bullet and fully devote myself to what I've been doing for ten years and HOPE my art impresses somebody? I don't think I'm that creative... I get the most enjoyment from doing my own thing. But I don't see keeping it as my hobby when I'm going to be SO busy in nursing school... This block has resulted from letting go of something that has been part of my identity. But is it a healthy, realistic goal? Can I not find a balance between the two? Or is it only one or the other... I'm so fucking lost.